Things That Have Crossed My Mind This Friday Night Since I can’t Go Out Clubbing Like I Did Ten Years Ago
- You ever think, while eating one of your favorite foods, that the person who owns the company hates black people or gay people or transgender people or women? Then, while eating them, you think if it’s true—if the owner is filled with hate—you wouldn’t be able to, in good conscious—eat that food again? It’s happened before with pasta and beans and jelly beans. Here’s the deal, corporation: all the haters of junk food and bad carb food, come out now so that I can stop eating you and maybe lose some weight.
- If your husband starts putting the liquor and wine out of your reach, it may be time to admit you should consider your liquor and wine intake. My husband has not done this, but the thought crossed my mind when I couldn’t quite reach a shot glass.
- Why do so many people in central Massachusetts have a swimming pool? It can’t be that warm here every year, right? You probably get thirty days of use out of it a year tops, right?
- Colds suck rocks.
- I should probably be writing fiction. Or a poem.
I’ve given up on conventional meds for this cold. Now it’s just organic malbec and vegan marshmallows.